9.5 Things all former presidents need to know when starting a blog (or how to make it beyond the sandpit)

As former President of my Preschool’s Sandpit, a dominion I ruled with a clenched and sandy fist, I’ll have you know, I know a thing or two about how it feels when you’re eventually deposed and moved onto the finger-painting section, where dreams go to die. Donald Trump was recently shunted out of the White House by goodie-goodie Joey Biden, and, like all of the other former presidents turned finger-painters, he has decided to start a blog. Amazing. Like I said, I only know a thing or two about transitioning from president to blogger, but I think with a bit of bluffing I can stretch it out to 9.5 things. Anything for a struggling friend.

  • Tip 1: Um. Bluffing is tip one. Talking through the seat of your pants is literally the most important thing to know about blogging. How good you are at bluffing is how good you are at blogging. If you can’t bluff, you can’t blog. Do you see what I mean?

  • Tip 2: It’s all about content. Here’s where the bluffing comes in. That’s all I really know about blogging, but I kinda promised Trump 9.5 whole tips, poor guy, so I better keep churning ‘em out. 

  • Tip Three. Think positive! Be consistent! I know from my experience, I didn’t get BIGLY engagement with my content when I first started blogging about, oh, twenty years after the incident which saw me relegated from the sandpit to the finger-painting table. I won’t go into it here, but let’s just say if sandpits had constitutions I would have been impeached. Luckily for me, they don’t, but the kid who got sand in their eyes was not so lucky. I’m lying; he’s probably got a mortgage by now. Think positive! 

  • Tip 4: Ask your family to read your posts and share them on social media to increase the chances of one day getting BIGLY engagement. Maybe then you can monetise your content? I see Trump already has a contribute option on his blog which is really impressive for a novice. Either he is so good he didn’t need his family to help him out or he’s not confident they care enough to share his musings on whatever he’s musing about these days. Probably ‘Murica.

  • Tip 5: Your blog should reflect what you’re passionate about. For me, that’s random funny things that pop into my head; memories from a childhood spent fighting other children for the right to remain in control of my own sovereign sandpit, mostly. My campaign slogan was ‘I dig democracy’ and I did press myself, talking into a shovel that doubled as a microphone. Trump can probably skip all that indignity as he’s a little bit more famous than I was.

  • Tip 6: If you’re doing it for fame, you’re doing it for the wrong reasons. Actually, that’s kind of a trick tip. I don’t think there’s any right reason to start a blog, because only deeply disturbed people who have reached the nadir of their careers start blogging… But if there was a right reason it wouldn’t be fame.

  • Tip Sevfvenn: Drink covfefe. Maintaining a blog is hard work. There’s a lot of bluffing involved and that can be tiring, even for experts like Trump and I. Caffeinated drinks help you catch spelling errors too.

  • Tip 8) Be pleasant in your interactions with other bloggers even if you don’t agree with them, or they’re crooked or they cry when you throw sand in their eyes.

  • Tip Nine: Promote your blog. Nobody will know you have one unless you tell your family and friends. Or Fox news. You never know, the posts you write could one day end up getting read by loads of people and you might get another job, a job that’s even better than being president. 

              …AND 9.5: There’s this micro-blogging platform called Twitter that bloggers and presidents and former presidents alike use to promote their bluffing/content/musings on ‘Murica. It’s like the sandpit of the blogosphere. If you get banned from that you’re finger-painting forever, which is even more shameful than being impeached. Twice.

Look out, Joe. They’re coming for you from Mayo.

Ah, it’s a disgrace, Joe.

They can’t win their own race, so they claim victory in another halfway across the globe. It’s desperate altogether.

Typical Mé Féiners in Mayo, making everything about themselves; well, they’re worse than the Orange Fella.

While the rest of the world was out celebrating Biden’s victory over Trump and Kamala Harris’s historic appointment as Vice President of the United States, Mayo was out celebrating itself.

Mayo’s tenuous claim to fame on the new American President is his ancestry. Hasn’t he cousins in Ballina.

Any excuse, sure. Ballina put on such a display of triumphant gombeenism that would have put any Yankee Redneck to shame – and perhaps a few former Fianna Fáil Taoisigh, too.

Ballina town centre was hopping; Buck’s Fizz corks popping, as Mayomen paraded their genes up and down the town whooping like Yahoos.

Not one of the locals seemed to recognise the larger reason to celebrate the Biden Harris result. They didn’t care a damn that Kamala Harris is the first woman and the first person of colour to be elected Vice President of the United States.

All they care about below in Mayo is winning. And since victory in the All-Ireland Championship has proved elusive for, oh, about a hundred years, the poor eejits are making do with having a distant cousin in the White House. (It will probably be painted green and red now.)

It’s Cultural Appropriation, I tell you. Ballina is stealing the victory of the American people and repackaging it as their own. This kind of identity pilfering is unique to Mayo; you’d never catch a Dub or a Kerryman at that type of thing. Do you know why? They’ve won All Irelands, so they know what victory feels like.

The most Joe would get in Kerry might be a Healy-Rae throwing his hat in the air in jubilation. Well, Joe, as long as he doesn’t throw it into the ring, you’ll be sound, says you.

And these Mayo (distant) cousins of Biden are angling for a trip to the soon-to-be Green & Red House. They couldn’t make it any more obvious. Sure, didn’t they openly admit it on RTE news last night? Distant cousin after distant cousin queued up to talk to the roving reporters, each one frothing at the mouth with glee.

Like most tribes, they have a leader, and his name is Joe too. We’ll call him Joe Two to distinguish him from America’s newest First Man, Joe One. His kingdom in Mayo might not be the size of Joe One’s, but Joe Two has a slogan too – “Joe Biden for the White House; Joe Blewitt for your house.” Joe Two is a handyman. I think his talents also lie in slogans, especially when compared to his distant American relative’s weak effort: “Build back better.” Blah blah blah.

Joe Blewitt image by Paul Faith/AFP via Getty images.

Joe Two and his merry band of Mayo cousins will be piling into his van to drive all the way from Ballina to Pennsylvania Avenue any day now. They’ll be a bit watery when they land, but they’ll still start painting the White House green and red before Joe One can say “Howdy.”

Typical Cultural Appropriation. Joe Two and his Mayo cowboys will play all nice in the beginning, but they’ll eventually steal the states from right under the Americans’ noses. They’ll let on to Joe One that they’re doing a Fixer-Upper job on his new gaff, but they’ll leave him high and dry the minute anything goes wrong. Mayo cowboys only want one thing, and that’s victory. They don’t care about family or decency; they’d give their Granny for Sam. ‘Cousin Joe’ is all a front, a neat way of appropriating American success. You’d never see a Mayo man in a Native American headdress on Halloween. We all know what became of the Native Americans, and it was a lot worse than losing a good few All Irelands. No, the Mayo man only wants a little taste of victory, for now. And he knows he’ll be allowed a share in Generous Joe’s. But like most of history’s victors, Mayo will eventually get greedy, and it will all end in a trail of tears. Will those tears be green and red or star-spangled red, blue, and white? That all depends on whether or not Joe “Two” Blewitt blows it.

(Editor’s Note: If there’s any room in that van, Mr. Blewitt, I’ll book it. I have Mayo heritage myself, you know.)